A Petition To Keep Jeff Bezos From Returning To Earth Has Reached 150,000 Signatures

This month, Elon Musk will technically become the richest person on Earth when his space rival and actual richest person on Earth, Jeff Bezos, is blasted into space upon Blue Origin’s first-ever human flight.

If a petition has its way, there Jeff Bezos shall remain, floating in space with his brother and making awkward chat with a mysterious ticket-holder, banished from the Earth forevermore.

“Billionaires should not exist…on earth, or in space, but should they decide the latter they should stay there”, says the petition on Change.org. A competing petition with the same goals has only gathered 25,000 signatures.

“Jeff Bezos is actually Lex Luthor, disguised as the supposed owner of a super successful online retail store. However, he’s actually an evil overlord hellbent on global domination,” the presumably tongue-in-cheek petition reads. “We’ve known this for years.”

A Petition To Keep Jeff Bezos From Returning To Earth Has Reached 150,000 Signatures
Jeff Bezos waving goodbye to Earth… for the last time??

It goes on to allege that Bezos has worked with the Knights Templar and the Free Masons to control the world.

“He’s also in bed with the flat earth deniers; it’s the only way they’ll allow him to leave the atmosphere. Meanwhile, our government stands by and lets it happen. This may be our last chance before they enable the 5G microchips and perform a mass takeover.”

Fortunately for Bezos, neither petition has devised a strategy to prevent him from safely reentering the atmosphere. They’ll be working on a tight deadline if they come up with an idea.

The crew will accelerate to over 3 Gs during the 10-minute flight before the capsule detaches. They can now unbuckle and experience the effects of weightlessness before rebuckling three minutes later for reentry into the Earth’s atmosphere. Passengers will land in the West Texas desert with assistance from a parachute deployed by the capsule, where they will be met by a landing crew.

With just a three minute window to keep him in space, their best hope might be that he remembers the petition and it makes him sad enough to alter the flight’s course himself, heading for a less hostile planet where the petition has yet to be invented, and the maximum number of possible signatories for future similar petitions is two.

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